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Writer's Block: Redo - Suffering From Elation
A Survivor's Tale
tania
tania
Writer's Block: Redo
If there was something you could change about your past, what would it be?


This is a weird question for me. There are a lot of things I'd have changed at the time, but nothing I'd change now. Does that make sense?

2007. I wanted to be anywhere but, well, in my own skin for over half of that year. It was one enormous cock-up. I regret the numerous personality defects that led me to that place (all of which I've worked on since); I regret being so blind with anger and pain and neediness that I hurt people while stumbling about trying to save myself. I regret not saying "no" on my worst day. I regret pursuing someone who was an incredibly poor choice - that, more than anything, demonstrates how messed-up I was around then.

A few moments in 2007 mark the closest I've ever been to suicidal, and I'm not that kind of person by nature; I always saw it as cowardice, weakness, and those are two things I can't stand. But there were times when I hurt so much I could barely stand. I'd never before experienced emotional pain with such depth it brought me to my knees and more than once, I just wanted it to end - I didn't care how.

Having survived that experience, if I could change it now - erase it so it never happened - I wouldn't, no way in hell. Pain is transformative, strengthening, illuminating. I wouldn't want to go through it again, but if changing it meant throwing away everything I learned from it, that's far too high a price to pay.

Other stuff: sometimes I think I should have finished my B Animation degree. Then I remember that if I'd stuck around beyond the halfway point I'd never have had the opportunity I took at Liquid Animation, and that choice led to ten years of work in the industry. No regrets there, except that it looks bad on paper to have only half-finished a degree - but screw what other people think; my subsequent work history and my abilities speak for themselves.

I wish I'd been more sexually open when I was younger. I was far more conservative in action than in attitude (I'm the same on abortion: I support a woman's right to choose 100%, but I don't think I could actually bring myself to have one, regardless of the circumstances) so I think I denied myself a lot of experiences out of this sense of responsibility, this idea that I wasn't allowed to make 'stupid' choices. I felt I had to get everything 'right'. Almost rushed into a premature marriage because of that.

Mistakes are a great way to learn. I don't think I allowed myself enough mistakes.

I know! If I regret anything, it's all the chocolate. Chocolate always winds up making me fat and then I have to become a friggin' fitness freak to pare myself back down to a healthier (and sexier) weight. I am not too good at moderation. With a father who has been obese all his adult life and a mother who has historically struggled with yo-yo dieting (though she's good now, the woman is tiny) I really ought to keep closer tabs on myself. I love being slim and sprightly and bouncy, I love having energy and strength; chocolate sneaks up on me and gradually takes that all away. So yes. If I have any regrets, they are all plastic-wrapped and sugar-filled.

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5 have fought ~ fight the power!
Comments
dustmeat From: dustmeat Date: August 31st, 2010 01:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
"I'd never before experienced emotional pain with such depth it brought me to my knees and more than once, I just wanted it to end - I didn't care how."

I too felt that way in 2007 :(
alby_lion From: alby_lion Date: August 31st, 2010 04:48 pm (UTC) (Link)

I Need My Pain

aibo From: aibo Date: September 1st, 2010 07:04 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: I Need My Pain

Ahhh yes, I had exactly the same in mind:-)
saitenyo From: saitenyo Date: August 31st, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
I share your opinion on not really wanting to redo anything. All my worst moments were learning experiences, opportunities for growth, so I really wouldn't want to change any of them.

I think I have to agree that the only thing I ever regret is eating too much junk food. XD Chips and onion dip are my weakness, and every time I've had them I've thought, "I didn't really need those, they weren't that amazing...and now I have to be stricter about my diet and exercise to work off all those unnecessary calories I just ate." That's really the only thing I can think of that I got no real gain from doing so I'd be fine undoing it.
snapesgirl34 From: snapesgirl34 Date: September 6th, 2010 01:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
"I wish I'd been more sexually open when I was younger. I was far more conservative in action than in attitude so I think I denied myself a lot of experiences out of this sense of responsibility, this idea that I wasn't allowed to make 'stupid' choices. I felt I had to get everything 'right'."

I can relate to this so much, it's not even funny. :( I felt like you were describing me. I agree with you though, mistakes are a great way to learn, and I feel like I didn't have a lot of personal growth or mature for a long time because I was always too terrified to make a mistake, so I never tried anything and never really learned anything.

I'm glad that you're choosing to learn from your past experiences and mistakes instead of beating yourself up over the past.
5 have fought ~ fight the power!