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I want to be Boring. - Suffering From Elation
A Survivor's Tale
tania
tania
I want to be Boring.
I want to be Boring. I want a cottage, a warm fire, cats on my lap, walks by a river, spooning at night with a short and fuzzy boy, and to scribble some art and write some silly words in a special room in my little house. And someday I want a baby too.

Sometimes, now and then, I want to fly away and have an adventure. But only sometimes. Only if my cosy house and cats and fire and boy are all there to come home to.

Sometimes I am scared that my boring wants will drive away the short and fuzzy boy, who needs Change and Difference all the time. But I see something else under that, and I'm sure it's not my imagination; I see a boy who is changing into a short and fuzzy man, and the man's wants are different from the boy's. When we lived in a van for a week to have Adventures, he was the first to crack, to want a soft bed and a warm room. The boy wants extremes, but the man wants balance.

And I, who was always so serious, so insular, and perhaps TOO Boring, have learned balance too. I have learned that the cottage and warmth and cats and love mean nothing without a bit of Adventure, to remind me that the world is Big, and to help me appreciate my own cosy parcel of Smallness when I return. The boy taught me madness, and I taught him sanity, and clumsily, accidentally, joyfully, we met in the middle.

The wanting of Small Things does not make me boring. Boring people are the ones who pretend to be something they're not because they're terrified other people won't find them interesting.
12 have fought ~ fight the power!
Comments
From: fortysevenbteg Date: June 17th, 2009 11:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Nice. :o
leggz From: leggz Date: June 17th, 2009 11:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh Tania, you're so wise. The last line especially rings true for me; "The wanting of Small Things does not make me boring. Boring people are the ones who pretend to be something they're not because they're terrified other people won't find them interesting."

I can relate to everything you're saying here. I've always been quite insular, always wanting the safety and security of my home, my bed, my friends, my favourite restaurant, my family around me.

That said, I'm also [overly] concious of my own need for balance and needing to spice things up with new experiences - even if that includes forcing myself to get a new haircut every six months and cook a new dish I've never attempted every week. I need that sense of letting go and letting the cards fall where they may - even if it is within a very controlled situation involving a hair-dresser I love and respect and choosing my recipes from a pool of well-rated options that countless others have cooked and liked. ;]

These things don't sound all that risky and adventurous to others, but it seriously rocks Hayden and my world everytime I do it. And we love it. :D

Edited at 2009-06-17 11:50 pm (UTC)
alby_lion From: alby_lion Date: June 18th, 2009 12:17 am (UTC) (Link)
I've never gelled really well with the Generic Human Being. I like a little bit of individuality and humanity. Too crazy, and I wonder if they're not waiting for final word from somebody else on just whatever they're supposed to like or whoever they're supposed to be. Incidentally, I'm actually really looking forward to meeting you and Joe.
thornwolf From: thornwolf Date: June 18th, 2009 12:31 am (UTC) (Link)
I hear you. Totally hear you. I tell myself I want adventure, but when it comes down to it, I want "stability" with the "luxury" of adventure, but the stability to always come back to. Its nothing wrong to want that :) its mature and responsible, but not necessarily a sacrifice.
stokerbramwell From: stokerbramwell Date: June 18th, 2009 02:31 am (UTC) (Link)
This is wonderfully, beautifully worded. I feel very similarly.

Edited at 2009-06-18 02:32 am (UTC)
xxbalaaxx From: xxbalaaxx Date: June 18th, 2009 03:18 am (UTC) (Link)
It's always such a pleasure to come across your posts like these. Thank you for making me smile (again!).
mersades From: mersades Date: June 18th, 2009 07:01 am (UTC) (Link)
Aaaah, it's funny how I can often relate to the lessons you learn. I seem to be learning them along with you, through very different experiences.

"Boring" is something I've wanted from the unbalanced days of my childhood. I look at it more as comfort and security. I still crave getting out and spreading my wings and seeing the world now and then, but to have a home, a corner of the world that's mine . . I can't even put into word how warm I feel just thinking about it.

I have to say that - despite not meeting you and not interacting with you as much as I could - you still remain someone whose words never fail to touch me. I'm always grateful for when you share your thoughts because I somehow relate to so much of what you put forth, even when 75% of it is in relation to an experience I've never had.

Thanks for always being a little twinkle of inspiration from the far side of this big ol' world. :)
sigmoidal_suseq From: sigmoidal_suseq Date: June 18th, 2009 08:15 am (UTC) (Link)
ha - I knew he would crack - the big testie. Testie btw is the new pussy because everyone knows pussies are super strong and testicles kinda feel like jello.
rahball From: rahball Date: June 18th, 2009 10:04 am (UTC) (Link)
That's great! :D I will endeavour to propagate it.
tania From: tania Date: June 18th, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have a new favourite word. <3
bizarreoptimism From: bizarreoptimism Date: June 18th, 2009 11:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Have you seen "Up"? See "Up," if you haven't. "Up" (among other things) helped me finally gave myself permisson to see everyday life _as_ the adventure, and not simply the in-between stuff that happens while you're waiting for Great Big Grand Events. Of course Great Big Grand Events are, well, grand -- but they are the extra stuff, the bonuses. The main event is the everyday stuff.

And, as "Doctor Who" points out, that's okay, because the everyday stuff is so much bigger than what everybody says it is when you're growing up. It's so much bigger and so much darker and so much madder and so much better.
stardustshine From: stardustshine Date: June 18th, 2009 02:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank God, I have felt like such a boring person because I felt exactly the same way. It's nice to see that we're not so different after all.
12 have fought ~ fight the power!