Log in

No account? Create an account
recent ramblings co-conspirators schedule for world domination about tania Tania Walker - Digital Portfolio older older recent recent
Reminder - Suffering From Elation
A Survivor's Tale
I have to write one of these entries once every couple of years. It's a cruel twist of human nature that we often adjust so quickly to the good things we have in our lives, we forget that they're there, and focus only on what's giving us woe.

Lately my woe has been this: I've felt as though my friends have scattered to the winds. Uni holidays rolled up, and right when we were supposed to see the most of one another, we're barely seeing each other at all. The interconnected nature of Brisbane's social groupings has turned from a blessing into a curse. Catching up with Viv yesterday reminded me of the power of misinformation and rumor and how quickly those can move through the network, and how rapidly complications in one friendship can spread like a virus to another, and another, because everyone knows everyone in Brisbane. Have a fight with one friend and within just a few short weeks, you might find yourself unable to peacefully enjoy the company of your entire social group. Such is Brisbane.

I woke up this morning angry about something I heard last night, and that anger grew to encompass everyone I knew, and then this entire hick city. (Editor's note: Never underestimate the reach of anger powered by PMS - or, truth be told, just plain 'MS'. Stripping away the 'pre' part is some comfort though; when you're in the thick of it you know at least it's going to be over soon. Regardless of when during the monthly cycle it occurs, menstrually-inspired anger is mighty and dispropotionate. For example, yesterday morning on the bus to work I spotted an SUV on the road, a squat black tank overflowing its lane like bulldog in a cat basket - an SUV, in MY city! I experienced a moment of such rage I swear I could have punched a hole through the roof of the bus, leapt out through it and overturned that ridiculous black box of a thing without breaking a sweat.)

I got over this morning's non-SUV-related anger and got on with my day, but it sat somewhere in my lower left ventricle, waiting for next time I feel lonely or bored; an insoluable, insufferable, niggling little sadness-bug burrowing about in my chest. The worst of it is that I've always been an introvert and that people are an effort for me; in a way this should be a blessing. Yet now, without my people around, it bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothers me.

Ever solutions-focused, I've been working on making a few new friends these past few weeks, and strengthening the bonds with some people I'd previously seen as acquaintances. So my journal lately has been full of new names. And the balance here is changing too; there's more and more married couples for one thing. That's unrelated, but still interesting.

Anyway, the point of this journal entry, and the point is something I don't want to let myself forget again: Last year, it was all going to hell. I had good friends but I had a job that wasn't supporting me, no money, high stress, a difficult and costly living situation (compared to my current one, anyway), my relationship had crashed and burned, and for the latter part of the year I was in a darker place than any I've ever been in, including those few months when my parents divorced and Disney defeated me.

Where am I now? A have a brilliant job that challenges me, teaches me, pays me well to be creative, and surrounds me with awesome people every single day. I have more than enough money to do the things I've always wanted to do but never been able to manage, like travel. I live in a peaceful place where the hot water and stove and whitegoods ALL work (miracle of miracles), with a landlord-slash-flatmate who takes care of himself and asks nothing of us but that we pay the incredibly low rent and do our share, and where my cats can play safely outside with the sun on their backs.

I live with someone who I love very much; a man who isn't afraid to tell me that he loves me more every day; a man who is honest with me; who is intelligent and curious and questions everything; He makes me laugh. He likes adventures as much as I do. We've seen each other's darkest places and come back for more, and right now - and, we both believe, for a very long time to come - we're walking through life in the same direction.

I've finally had enough love, enough hurt, enough change and, as a result of those things, enough self-awareness that I have something to draw upon when I write. I lacked that before and I always knew it. I'm richer in spirit than I've ever been. When I remember how lucky I am to be so near the beginning of my short walk through the light of the world, it moves me to tears.

So this entry is for me because I'm human, and human nature is to forget good fortune and dwell on pain. This is my reminder.
5 have fought ~ fight the power!
c_eagle From: c_eagle Date: July 17th, 2008 08:38 am (UTC) (Link)
Ish a byooteeful teeengs..... ^V^.. *purr*
(Deleted comment)
tania From: tania Date: July 17th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
You too lovely! I can finish at 4pm any day. :)
peterchayward From: peterchayward Date: July 17th, 2008 12:52 pm (UTC) (Link)

If relationships were based on DVD shelves, I'd have asked Joe and you to marry me on the spot.

I'm interesting in making new friends too. You and Joe comin' to the "Welcome Back Gavin" party? Or failing that, we still have TV Tuesday every...uh, Tuesday.
tania From: tania Date: July 17th, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: If relationships were based on DVD shelves, I'd have asked Joe and you to marry me on the spot.

Can't come to the party, that's our Gold Coast weekend, but I might check out the TV night sometime! Whereabouts are you guys again?
peterchayward From: peterchayward Date: July 18th, 2008 04:36 am (UTC) (Link)

Although every second week it's at Red Hill.

We're at Chermside - full details are on the event page.
5 have fought ~ fight the power!