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Dreams and home - Suffering From Elation
A Survivor's Tale
tania
tania
Dreams and home
I've had a two or three bad dreams lately about being back at Bond Street. I wouldn't call them nightmares... there's no zombies and/or apocalypse for a starters; what self-respecting nightmare lacks those?? There's no fear either, just stress (which arguably is a type of fear.) In the dreams Joe and I are trying to move out but can't find anywhere to go, and the situation just gets tougher and more stressful the harder we try. It's enough to wake me up, gasping, with a mild sense of panic that only calms down when I see the umbrella tree outside the window and remember where I am.

I really like it here. It's quiet, private, tidy, surrounded by nature. Oh, and very affordable... enough so that our hopes of saving a deposit and eventually buying a house are looking very realistic. Even more happily, I don't mind how long it takes to get that deposit... For once in my life I'm in no rush, and I'm not eagerly waiting for the Next Thing.

We do the housework thoughroughly every week, and everyone chips in with co-operation, enthusiasm and zero quibbling over who does what. Joe and I wash our dishes as we use them. Rick is getting a dishwasher soon anyway, which is pure Added Bonus in stainless-steel form. Rick and his dad made lots of progress on the cat run last weekend and Joe gave it a coat of paint yesterday. We'll be hanging the netting and releasing the kitties into faux-freedom and real sunlight this coming weekend.

Joe plays the piano every day; the improvement in all his songs is noticeable. The study needs one final coat of paint before we can shift our stuff in there, repaint the room we're currently using as bedroom, then spread out into both.

I run up the hill for the bus every morning, breath making little foggy clouds in the cold air - this part of Kenmore is high-up. A couple of mornings each week the world is swathed in fog and the sun looks like the moon.

Joe and I walk home together most nights, an hour-long trek that we spend chatting and debating and joking. I'm losing weight again... slowly, this time, healthily, with none of the urgency and deprivation I put myself through while working at Fuze. I feel attractive, confident and free. I'm neither pushing myself too hard nor being slack; it's as though my mind pendulum-swung back and forth between the two extremes for a few years before settling directly in the middle.

This is also the first time in my life I haven't had to worry about money.

This is a little golden age.

Forgive me for rambling like this. I see a lot of people posting about sadness and stress on Livejournal - have done it often myself, especially last year - and I want to be sure to balance that by giving a nod to the times in my life when I'm truly, deeply content. That doesn't mean I never have days when I'm tired, or stressed, or hormonal; no life is perfect and I think if it was, it would cease to have meaning.

After focusing on bad times I want to be able to appreciate the good times too. This is one of them.

That's kind of a big deal. I'm the sort of person who is easily happy but not easily content, it's what drives me to try harder, to advance and to achieve. I'll admit I'm a little afraid of what contentment will mean for me, but I'm going to wait and see before I make a judgement. It's time I gave myself a break and just enjoyed being alive, nothing more, nothing less.
4 have fought ~ fight the power!
Comments
stokerbramwell From: stokerbramwell Date: June 24th, 2008 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
It IS nice to see happy entries, it's true. People dwell too often on drama.

I'm glad life's so good for you right now. :D
c_eagle From: c_eagle Date: June 24th, 2008 06:24 am (UTC) (Link)
I think that really is excellent... that there isn't financial stress now, and you can save, while at the same time you also were able to pick up that other property as well... woot! Izzit paid for awreddy, or is it the payments are at least manageable? :9
tania From: tania Date: June 24th, 2008 09:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
The payments are manageable - I'm actually paying off way more than I need to each week. By the time I'm ready to buy something with Joe, there'll be a huge chunk paid off my personal block of land - I may end up using the equity in it to help fund the next place, not sure yet. Got to talk to a financial advisor.
aibo From: aibo Date: June 24th, 2008 08:02 am (UTC) (Link)
*slaps you with a large trout* Hey, don't call this rambling, this is a great and happy entry. And very positive, I do like that a lot. Glad everything works for now, so enjoy it at at it's fullest, will ya?

*Aibohuggles*

4 have fought ~ fight the power!