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Meh - Suffering From Elation
A Survivor's Tale
"Meh" is a great word. I'm a bit meh today. And it's really quite unfair of me to complain, because my life is good.

Like this afternoon, Joe called me up to go to Indooroopilly shopping centre with him, where he bought me dinner and later escorted me to work, and on the way we brainstormed and drew designs for Wicked Campervans. Given that I'd had nothing at all planned for today, that was an awesome diversion.

And in more general terms, in no particular order: I'm ever-slimming and got a bunch of free clothes when I was up at mum's. I had a Jangles-cat sleeping curled up against me all day today. I have great flatmates and a possible new flatmate on the horizon. I have a block of land that I'm paying off faster than I need to, and I have some of the best friends anyone could hope for, and I have all these exciting travel plans and shows to go to this year, and I have a decent job that pays well and has great conditions, and I finally have my room organised and fantastically comfortable and satisfying, and I've dealt with some old issues of low self esteem (which spawned jealousy issues that were highly unpleasant for everyone, most of all me) to the point where the change even amazes me. I'm 25, so still young, and my mind is keen and I'm attractive, I'm reasonably socially confident and I'm capable of both achieving goals and having fun.

Yet now and then, in quiet moments, I do feel as though something's missing. As though I'm idling, not moving through my life. As though I'll look back at this time of my life and remember it as 'that time when nothing in particular happened'.

My future always consisted of 'Work for Disney. Own awesome cats. Own a home. Write a book. Find someone to share my life with. Have a family. Grow old together.' That's basically all I ever wanted. I don't long for immortality, fame or wealth. The most specific and unusual of those desires, the Disney thing, has already been accomplished. I have a feeling I will have an easier time writing that book than I will when I try to do the rest. Somehow it's the everyday that eludes me...

To be fair to myself, I've already checked off the first two items and am working on the third. I should probably be working on the fourth, as right now the development is still all happening in my head, not on paper, and I can't keep using laptop issues as an excuse. If I were really ready to write, I could do it longhand. In the meantime, I'm just another one of those tossers who occasionally mentions That Book Which They May Or May Not Actually Ever Write.

It just feels like I'm stuck in a lull between Exciting Developments. I feel restless in the truest sense of the word: that is, unable to rest. I'm afraid of falling into a pattern of mediocrity because some of the things I want most out of life seem far out of reach right now. I was warned this might happen...

Still, it's up to me, so I guess I better shape up, eh?
4 have fought ~ fight the power!
isnotanexit From: isnotanexit Date: February 21st, 2008 02:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
i understand how you're feeling.... I have a great life, great family, great friends, etc... But at the moment I just feel like I'm in this inbetween stage... waiting for the exciting part to happen.... just going through the motions.

Sorry, I guess I'm not much help, heh.
From: pariahsdream Date: February 21st, 2008 02:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't have any of those things and am frequently wondering what the hell I'm trying to do with my life. I've given up on quite a few of my dreams- or reevaluated them when I'm in a more forgiving mood towards myself. I think part of what makes us human is the fact we always have to strive for something else- big or small.
Or maybe I just haven't slept enough. One of the two.
mersades From: mersades Date: February 22nd, 2008 08:24 am (UTC) (Link)
I went through similar things while moving through age 23-25ish. A lot of women I talk to whom are about my age or up to 5 years older all seem to share the sentiment that mid-twenties is a HUGE period of self-doubt, semi-depression, and ultimately, discovery of who you truly are as you grow into a more mature skin.

I can't say I feel completely solid walking my path now. Hell, to be honest, I think I question more than ever if I'm on the right track. I've come to realize that it's called, 'getting older', and without being conscious of it, becoming more and more aware of your actions and purpose. You begin searching for meaning, not solely adventure.

I dunno. I won't tell you the feelings will go away. . . but you will eventually find some by-the-seat-of-your-pants way of handling those doubts and emotions while still managing to appear as strong and confident to the rest of the world. Don't be worried. . . you've got a good head on your shoulders. And I've learned from dating a designer that us creative types just feel more and more stagnant in life the more we accomplish. We're some of the most self-depreciating things in our race.

As always, best wishes, and I enjoy reading your thoughts, even if I rarely comment. :)
tania From: tania Date: February 22nd, 2008 10:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you - your comment is very reassuring. Sometimes, lost in self-doubt, I forget that most other people aren't as confident as they appear either.

I always love reading your comments. Quality over quantity? ;)
4 have fought ~ fight the power!