Tangles (tania) wrote,
Tangles
tania

My cup runneth over

It's Saturday night, and therefore the first "day" of my weekend. The only problem is that unless you make plans ahead of time, which I foolishly didn't, what do you DO when you're alone on a Saturday night? I'm too late for the cinemas, except perhaps for certain cinemas screening movies of a very plot-deficient nature, but that idea is bunk - I don't own a raincoat! I'm not much for going out for drinks and dancing alone and I don't do the picking up strangers thing. I'd probably settle in for a movie marathon, except the explosions that are rattling the house right now suggest that Chris and Jess are very wrapped up in Halo 3, and I do not yet have my own AV setup in my room.

I think I'm going to go get an early "lunch", read the rest of 'The Science Of Discworld II' (I'm possibly loving this one more than any other Pratchett book since 'Going Postal'), tie up a few accounting loose ends for Chris and then... I'll work it out as I go. By then Chris and Jess may be in bed so I'll have that glorious big-screen TV all to myself - and I have two new 'Dexter' episodes to watch!

Ooh! I know what I'll do! I'll start making Christmas presents! This will be fun...

Introspective rambling follows. Like a lot of my introspective rambling, it's true as I write it, but doesn't preclude me having small relapses into a previous state of mind at some point either.

Getting this job was the smartest thing I've done in a long time. My life feels full now. I have purpose and use. It makes me appreciate the time I have left to myself.

I don't feel that gaping hole where Joe once was anymore. It has been filled by a handful of close, supportive friends (I won't name names as I'm sure they know who they are), each contributing a little love and attention which, all added together, gives me more love than I had when I was in a "romance". This is new for me - I've never had truly close friends before. I've never needed them. Historically I've placed myself in a position of advice-giving to friends while not necessarily letting them return the favour, and that was a subtle but sure way of keeping distance in those relationships.

And I used this journal as an outlet when I wanted advice. Typed words on a screen are the most effective mask there is.

It was an easy thing to get away with, as I didn't need true closeness in my friendships - my partner has always been best friend and confidante too, the metaphorical basket for all my eggs. ;P I'm beginning to realise that focusing so exclusively on a single person for all my needs may have been a mistake.

That brings us to whatever-it-is that's taking place now. I see my friends more and talk with them more, still with hesitation now and then, but less of that as time goes by. I still don't get sex out of the deal, sure. But I think I love and am loved by enough people now that there's not room in me to contain it all.

Joey found freedom and sex, but I think maybe what I've found is freedom and love.
Tags: friends, joe, relationships
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