May 9th, 2008

Cats: Techno!

Harden the f*ck up, America!

The title is an Aussie in-joke, the entry that follows was yoinked from snapesgirl34; and I edited one point because it had an error:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is barely played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. We will help Iran with their Nuclear Programme.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)

Possibly moving... again.

Haven't updated for a few days, things have been busy-busy! This week has involved organising a whole bunch of stuff and I'm relieved to say I managed to sort it all out without dropping a single ball. I also squeezed in time to see 'Iron Man' (excellent) at the movies with Joe, and 'Keating: The Musical' (AMAZING!) at the theatre with Joe, Hammond and Kelly. We were the youngest people there by a decade and also the most underdressed. We kept getting odd looks. Also, there was a guy sitting two rows in front of us who was a dead ringer for Joe with +10 years and +10 kilograms. Heehee. Joe carefully avoided him because sources say that if you ever actually meet your own doppelganger, one or both of you will vanish.

Last night Joey and I finally got the chance to just relax, so Joey put fresh sheets on the bed, I cooked kangaroo steaks and veggies for dinner and then we cuddled on the couch and watched some Invader Zim (thanks Hammond! Thammond.)

The big news around here is that apparently the real estate rejected our lease back in March because one of the names on it was wrong. They did not inform us of the rejection in writing, which means we can probably contest it if we want to. What this means is that we've unknowingly been on a periodical lease instead of a proper lease for the past few months, and until we sign their new lease, which raises the rent ANOTHER $20/wk, the rules of the game are a little different. One of those rules being, of course, that the real estate can hike up the rent literally whenever they please, which is what they've just done.

Neither Joe or I is inclined to accept this second rent-hike, given that it's less than two months on the tail of the previous one and, let's face it, this house is hardly the Ritz. Given that we both work on the other side of the river now, the location is no longer ideal for us. And finally, given that the real estate is using our periodical-lease status to swing their dick around and inflate the rent, we won't feel too bad about using the periodical rules right back at them by giving them a mere (yet legal) two weeks notice and pissing off for a better place.

We're inspecting a place in Indooroo on Saturday. It's three bedrooms, cat-friendly (!!!), pretty much right on the river in a quiet, safe bushy setting, and would allow us both to walk to work. My walk would be just under an hour each way, which is PERFECT for me. Dayum, but I get so toned and hawt when I do two hours of cardio per day! Joe's walk would be shorter, or he can take a bus that will deliver him basically to his workplace's front door. He'll also be able to walk or bus to uni in far less time than he currently does.

The real sell-point is the rarity of a place which not only allows, but encourages, pet-owners to apply. The house itself looks quite old in the photos, but no worse than what we're living in now, and in a much nicer setting. Google Maps tells us it's not close to any major roads, so finally, FINALLY I can let my cats be indoor/outdoor kitties... with collars, bells and address tags additional to their implanted ID chips, of course. The only one who has any kind of innate hunting ability whatsoever is Jangles, but better safe than sorry. I saw my old childhood cat Bonny kill more than one wildbird when I was a kid and I don't want to hold another pretty bird in my hands and watch it gasp its last breath ever, ever again. :\

The other advantage of outdoor-approved kitties is, of course, the fact that nature takes care of pewps. Oh, and there's also a nice riverside park just a few houses down the road.

We wanted to take Kelly with us, but the location isn't practical for her due to the extra travel distance to her uni. Sadfats. :( She's a great flatmate and friend (and Bunnies card partner) that I know we won't be able to find anyone else who even comes close, and will miss her cheerfulness greatly. So will the kitties!

So, if we get the place, we will be looking for one flatmate to knock our rent down a little. In that case I'll be paying $125/wk for the master bedroom, whoever takes the second-biggest room will pay $115/wk, and the third-biggest room-dweller will pay $110/wk. This is less than what we'll each be paying at Bond Street if we stay, once the rent increase hits (or when Ben moves out, which will happen first). I have a full household of furniture so we'd probably be looking for a student who doesn't have furniture of their own and just wants to move somewhere that's already all set up.

It'd be ideal for a UQ student. If you know anyone who is attending UQ and looking for a place, please let me know. Unless this place has a serious defect, we'll be applying after the inspection on Saturday, with a potential move-date of two weeks later. On my current salary, and with me making the (unrequested) additional offer to pay a pet bond, I think we have a reasonable chance of getting the place. Also, given that it's more out-of-the-way than most properties, I don't think there'll be as much competition for it as we used to see in West End, East Brisbane et al.

Our current flatmates are individually making their decisions about whether to stay on at Bond Street and get in new flatmates, or all move on themselves. Ben was already thinking about leaving to become a carer for his brother, which was part of the reason Joe and I decided to start looking for a new place - I spent so long finding Ben to be the 5th flatmate that I'm not keen to go through it all again.

Moving is always a pain, but in this case, worth it, I think. I'm tired of keeping the cats a secret. I don't like hiding things from the real estate, it causes tension and I hate the sticky feel of dishonesty. Finding a 'Pets OK' place in Brisbane's current rental climate is nothing short of a freaking miracle.

Wish us luck that it's a decent house and that we can land it; with a 1% vacancy rate in this city, we're going to need all the luck we can get!